Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
