I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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