You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
