One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
