Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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