please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
