By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
