Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
