i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
