I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
