Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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