She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
