so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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