I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
