Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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