Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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