The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
