I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just pee around me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
