Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
