1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
