I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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