I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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