If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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