the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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