I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
