i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
