i wish my penis had a tongue
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
