i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
