I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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