I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
