I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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