1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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