somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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