vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
