In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
