I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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