Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
