I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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