I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
