I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
