oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
