I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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