dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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