I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
