I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
