im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
