Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
