Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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