At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
