im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
