Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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