my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
