Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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