did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
