i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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