i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
