oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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