apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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