Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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