Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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