Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You need a sexual gate keeper
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
